Wait…WHAT?! You’re GLAD your mom died?! That can’t be true, can it? Who names their memoir that?
There is so much negativity out there right now. Despite the title, I'm Glad My Mom Died is an amazing story of resilience and hope to help lift us up. It was such an emotional read for me. I felt like I had to share my thoughts about it with all of you. So here it goes!
The pretty pink title stares up at me. A photo of child actress Jeanette McCurdy forcing a smile while holding an urn stares back at me. It looks like there is some confetti spilling out of the urn. Weird. I’ve had this book on back order for a while, but now that it’s finally in my hands I’m not sure what to think.
I know the book is a memoir of Jeanette’s life. That it is on the NYTimes Best Sellers List. That its been a hot topic in a lot of the book groups I'm in (social media has been great for my reading list).
I don’t know much about Jeanette. I wouldn't really consider myself a “fan." Not to date myself too much, but I missed being part of the iCarly craze by close to a decade. I do remember glancing up from my college textbooks while babysitting and giggling at Sam’s shenanigans. With a title like “I’m Glad my Mom Died” I am guessing Jeanette has brought some of that humor into her book.
I’ve heard that it's going to be a “heavy read.” One that will sit in my head and my heart for a bit. I’m nervous to read it, scared of the weight. It sits on my shelf for a few months. When I finally pick it up, I finish it in just 2 days.
This book was somehow one of the easiest and one of the hardest books I’ve read in a long time. Easy because of the author's tone and storytelling ability (Jeanette, it turns out, is a great writer). Hardest because of the content and the emotions it brought up.
Trigger Warnings:
I have to include some trigger warnings for this book because it gets really deep and it talks about hard stuff. The book touches on: eating disorders, anxiety, depression, alcoholism, sexual abuse, childhood trauma, psychological trauma, religious trauma, suicidality, and death.
I am including trigger warnings so that readers can know what to expect when they start this book and be ready. Now you can prepare, whether you need a friend to check in with, a therapist to talk to, a good journaling session, or a cup of tea and a cozy blanket to get you through.
But please don't let all my trigger warnings scare you. If you are looking for a book about hope, growth, and learning to love and take care of yourself, this could be exactly what you are looking for.
Lots of us dream about what it would be like to be a star. Getting to act in big name movies, having people fawn over us, wearing fancy clothes. I remember tottering around in my mom's too big high heels, spinning around and looking at my reflection in the mirror as a kid. Tilting my head to the side and smiling coyly at my reflection thinking "yea I could be a movie star."
Few of us think about what it would really be like to live that life every day. Our imaginations don't think about all the bad stuff that comes with being in the spotlight at a young age.
My heart broke for Jeanette listening to her describe the stress and abuse she suffered as a child star. It was hard to read about how Nickelodeon, a channel I grew up watching, was actually really horrible to the kids that worked for them.
Can you imagine how awful it must have been for her? We can all agree that being 13 is terrible. When I worked in a middle school I used to joke with my students that there wasn't enough money in the world to pay me to go back to middle school. Its terrible and confusing time. Most of us have no idea who we are, what our bodies are doing, where we are going, or what we want. Just like us, Jeanette struggled with all of that. She wasn't given space to try to figure out who she was, instead she was told who to be and how to act. I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for her. Instead of learning who she was as she grew up, she learned how to be other people.
But by far, the most heartbreaking thing to read was that Jeanette’s main source of stress and abuse didn’t come from the press or directors or her colleagues or producers. It came from her mother. Jeanette grew up in a home where instead of learning to be herself, she learned to be a version of herself that her mother wanted her to be. Wow. My heart broke for her. How many of us know what it's like to mold ourselves into what others want us to be? Too many.
Most of us are able to tell the type of mood our parents are in based on the tone of their voice (think of that anxiety you get when you hear your parents call full name). Jeanette, like many kids growing up in abusive homes, turns in to a sort of "fortune teller." She becomes amazing at reading the moods and anticipating the desires of the grown-ups in her world (especially her mom). For many of us, just like Jeanette, the skill to predict the moods of our parents was necessary to stay safe. This is an aspect of child abuse that isn't talked about a whole lot. It can be easy to forget how much stress always having to be on guard like this causes a kid.
I was not surprised when Jeanette began to struggle as an adult. As a therapist, I've seen the effects of childhood abuse and neglect first-hand. The beautiful part (and my favorite part) about this book is that Jeanette recognizes she is having a hard time ASKS FOR HELP.
My heart soared when Jeanette was finally able to recognize that she deserved better and that she deserved to heal. Jeanette is able to begin her healing journey after her mother passes away because she finally has the time and energy to focus on herself. So often we put off taking care of ourselves to take care of others or focus on other things. We might not even realize we are doing it. I was so proud of Jeanette when she recognized her mom was a barrier to her health and finally began to focus on herself.
By the end of the book things are much better for Jeanette, although not perfect. She still struggles and is still working on her issues in therapy. I like this ending way better than if everything was peachy and perfect at the end. Jeanette shows us that healing is possible but that it is okay to still have work to do.
Healing is a journey and as long as we are moving forward, we are doing great.
I am a huge reader, and one of the reasons I read is to know I'm not weird or broken because of what I am experiencing and feeling. One of the greatest gifts of reading books like I'm Glad My Mom Died is knowing that we are not alone in the struggles we face and the feelings we feel. If this book helped you feel less alone, here are some others that might help:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD
Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles Whitfield
Mothers Who Can't Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, by Susan Forward, PhD
I shared my thoughts, now it's your turn! If you’ve already read I’m Glad My Mom Died I’d love to hear your thoughts on the book!
Did you like it?
Did anything in Jeanette's story remind you of yourself?
Do you think Jeanette could have healed as much as she had if her mom had not passed away?
What do you hope for Jeanette’s future? What about yours?
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